The Saturday I worked for 21 days all at once

 

It’s the last day of this gruelling month called July. I’ve had quite the month, as I always do. But this time it’s been particularly tough. 

After 1.5 years of surviving the pandemic, Covid finally arrived in our home. My very pregnant partner caught it from the doubled-vaxxed elderly cleaner, and she got it bad. I took care of her for about 5 days at which point I caught it too. Being single-vaxxed, my symptoms were much less severe, but it had me bed ridden for at least a whole week. Luckily neither one of us had any breathing difficulties, though my partner’s cough was beyond terrible. Even my 5 year old had the cough, but we didn’t test her - the past two tests we did on her were too traumatic and besides, we were isolating anyway, so what’s the point? 

We were quite lucky to have my sister staying with us at the time (her, not so much!). You see, a day before my partner’s positive Covid result, we thought her waters had gone and to take her to the hospital, we called my sister over from Cardiff to take care of our daughter (and to be there in case we needed her for anything else). That turned out to be a false alarm - the waters had not broken, and my wife was not in any kind of active labour. It was just active Covid, and she wasn’t even vaccinated thanks to UK government’s policy on vaccinating pregnant women. Anyway, my poor sister got stuck isolating with us for 1.5 weeks - and then a few more days because the baby was overdue. I’ll come back to that.

The day we thought the waters had gone, I sent out a paternity leave notification (email) to all my clients. Almost all my clients were very happy with the news, but I felt I needed to reassure them that all projects would remain ongoing, and to explain how I was planning to manage their work with the help of my globally dispersed teams. Running your own marketing consultancy does mean you can’t just go on holiday, or take a paternity leave, which really sucks - unless I find someone to cover for me. And if I could find someone who could do what I do, why would they work for me? 

I ended up telling some of the more demanding clients that I would be working a few hours each day, roughly two days a week, to justify future invoicing but also to cut back on weekly meetings and catch-up sessions which I wouldn’t have time for. 

But the baby didn’t arrive that day, did she!

I sent my clients that email and in almost an instant, my partner had become very sick, my daughter couldn’t go to school any more because she had to isolate, and I suddenly had my hands full, making chicken broths, running steams for inhalation, arranging groceries and medicines, and just keeping the house going. Really glad my sister was there, because after just 5 days, I went under as well, and before I knew it, 2 weeks had gone by without me doing any kind of work at all. As far as my clients knew, I was on paternity leave. Some had congratulated me on the baby in advance. Others were just giving me space, which was very kind of them. 

When the symptoms began, I thought it was stress about work causing me a tension headache - you see, I had two website projects due to go live that week. I was also worried about my partner having to deliver the baby all by herself with Covid, always hoping that the baby could hold out until she got better. Then I wanted the baby to wait for me to get better so I could be there when she is born. 

I must say things did work out on the baby front. She arrived on Monday, healthy and perfect. And her superwoman of a mum did really well too. No complications, although she didn’t get her epidural, which was quite unfortunate. There was a lot of stress about my sister being stuck with us for 3 weeks at this point, and she had accommodation, internships, work and assignments to sort out for her university, so I’m glad she could be there to look after our daughter while we were in the hospital, and headed back to Wales the next day shortly after we arrived home.

I had managed to get one of the websites live but it was work that was mostly done and required minimal input from me as a project manager. The real stressor had been on complete pause since I ‘disappeared’ and this website was for my most demanding client. Although, it must be said, the MD did email me to say health comes first, wishing me well. But I know he’s in a precarious situation too, and needed the website live by this point (so what if he caused the last 12 months of delay on this project - the last couple of weeks before going live is a crucial time, and the delay must have been unbearable for him to explain to the owner). 

There were other projects that I had ignored as well. One of my clients is a builder in Kent, and they had fewer leads coming through organically each month despite our SEO efforts, so I had to launch an ad campaign to bring them in, which I had managed to do. But an ad campaign, especially a new one, requires a ton of optimisation which I hadn’t done. The pressure was on me this past week to make it work, so I took some time out and did exceptional work (if I may say so myself) to get the ads to work. I managed to make some more tweaks since my baby arrived on Monday, and I’m happy to report I’ve had enough leads drop in since then to make a strong case to retain this client. Phew!

July was always meant to be a challenging month for our family. Covid and its lockdowns had delayed many things for our family. But the two major things that got sidetracked were:

1. Passing my UK driving test so we can get a car and become mobile.

2. Apply for indefinite leave to remain in the UK after passing the Life in the UK test. 

I booked my first driving test in March 2020, which got cancelled and postponed a few times because of the lockdowns. In between I had a shot with just 3 lessons which weren’t enough for me to pass and then I got stuck in the endless cycle of booking a test, having it cancelled, bidding for earlier dates, it getting cancelled again, and this happened a few times every time the lockdown got extended. Arranging driving lessons was difficult too because of Covid guidelines. 

Anyway, I’ve had a couple of lessons this past week, and am poised to take (and hopefully pass) the driving test on the 3rd of August, fingers crossed. 

The indefinite leave to remain (ILR) is a visa for permanent residency for our family in the UK which sets us back by £9,000 and requires collecting a ton of documents from my partner’s past and present employees in the UK. As our sponsor, she had to jump through many hoops to get all this arranged. We submitted our application when we were both suffering badly from Covid, but with our visas about to expire in August, we had no choice in the matter. It had to be done. 

We had hoped to do it before the baby arrived so she could be a UK citizen by birth, but we have missed this window now. Once we have her documents arranged we will probably need to apply for her ILR separately (another £3,000, woohoo!). Not to mention getting her Pakistani identification documents sorted out first. This is the order in which we get this and each item can’t happen without the previous one:

1. UK birth certificate (we have an appointment for the 2nd of August)

2. Pakistani identity card (smart NICOP)

3. Pakistani passport

4. UK visa (ILR probably)

Only if we get all these documents sorted will my newborn child cease to be an illegal immigrant here in the UK. We still might need to get her naturalised in the UK with a British passport after all this, but we need her to have legal status in order to travel to Pakistan this December for my sister’s wedding. So it has to be done.

Fun fact: for my 5 year old who was also born in the UK, the ILR application actually asked for her date of arrival in the UK. I comically entered her birthday because, what a ridiculous question to answer, right? What else can I enter into this date field?

My mom, sisters and my wife had been after me to watch Money Heist, and when you’re sick with Covid, what else can you do lying in bed all day. That is, when you can open your eyes. But what a bad decision this was! This show is so addictive, I found myself watching it every free minute I had! I’m on season 4 already! But as a consequence of post-Covid lethargy, newborn baby related sleep deprivation, and being unable to sleep because I’m hooked to this show, I’ve been very sleep deprived. 

Last night I decided to go to bed early and not attempt to watch an episode before bed, because it’s never just one episode. As a result, I am now up early on Saturday, feeling well rested after a long time, and ready to have the most productive day ever!

So let me jot down a little to-do list for my own reference:

1. Deliver new content strategy for my synthetic data client (overdue after the focus keywords research project I did for them)

2. Submit list of suggested content changes for the same client to the lead developer

3. Prepare a report of the thought leadership articles we’ve published highlighting the same client, along with blogger outreach results and some website traffic reports.

4. Deliver the seed list expansion I did for my edge AI client who gave me a seed list of leads to expand using LinkedIn Sales Navigator

5. Deliver and explain the focus keyword research for my cleaning company client and upsell a monthly SEO retainer to drive down their monthly ad spend - I have a meeting with them on Tuesday after my driving test.

6. Do the groundwork for the same cleaning company’s new whitepaper which needs to be embedded on their website as gated content to generate leads, and also prepare a quote for the website work.

7. Update my plumber client about their new website development and its progress after the last design change - this is the third website build we are working on these days.

8. Make some tweaks to the ad campaigns I run for my car leasing client before the month is over.

9. Prepare a strategy document for the group of companies working in welfare and modular buildings, which is one of my biggest and oldest clients. Include an overview of a focus keywords research and cost that.

10. Tweak ad campaigns for the same client, especially the newly launched tanker services which are in need of further optimisation.

11. Check in on social media postings for newly published blog posts for my tax advisory client.

12. And last but not least, review the work the team has already done on this massive website build for a client that sells ice (cubes and sculptures), make a list of changes to be made for each of the 50 main pages, push them to finish the fixes by Tuesday which is when I have a meeting with this client.

As an optimist, I think I can do the first 11 of these things in one day, which were supposed to be done over the past 21 days. But the 12th one, that could take me all day too. In an ideal world, I would do all of the above today, and then have a smashing week ahead. 

I can picture myself attaching and submitting all the work done in July next week: advertising reports, analytics reports, retainer reports - while also passing my driving test, going for the ILR biometrics appointment, birth certificate, vaccination appointments etc. 

It would be hectic, but we will have climbed a mountain by the end of it. And most of all, my clients wouldn’t have a reason to delay payment of my invoices because they are under the impression the work hasn’t been done.

I hope this is the Saturday I get through 21 days of pending work. Wish me luck!

Creative parenting

 Not everyone is creative minded. 

It doesn't take a lot of effort to just hear the words someone says to you if you don't consider what happened before that has led them to utter those words. That takes a spark of imagination and what Sherlock Holmes might call deductive reasoning. 

I'm calling it creativity. It doesn't matter what you call it. But this is what I wish to talk about today.

When a child comes home from nursery or school to say, "I drew a picture for you daddy!", you might have a quick glance, admire the squiggles vaguely and dishonestly, then move on. 

But what if I told you the child had a meltdown at nursery because they felt alone, or because kids in the class were being unfair or mean, or because they had a fall, and all they wanted to do was get a hug from daddy? What if it was hard for carers and teachers to console the child, and the child simply kept wailing, "I want my daddy!"

What if the situation became a bit impossible until one of the teachers said, "how about we draw a picture for daddy?" And just like that the tantrum was over because the child had something to look forward to. 

You can swap 'daddy' with 'mummy' in the scenario above for higher accuracy. After all, mums are the ones who usually do this kind of creative reasoning and digging more. But really, it's something all parents should try to do.

As a parent, you know your child best and with a little bit of creativity, you can almost always tell what may have happened in school or at nursery. But you do need to spare a moment to think about it. 

Ours is a dual income household, so moments to think and ponder are rather precious, and even in a single income house, I think time is always quite precious. 

But if the most precious thing you leave behind in this world are your kids then it follows that the most precious commodity - your time - should be allocated to them too. Especially when you're home.

The child may not be able to explain to you why they are so excited to show you the picture they drew for you and what compelled them to even draw one. But it is your job as a parent to free your mind from whatever occupies it to give your child due attention. Especially if you lack the imagination or creativity to fill in the gaps.

We are constantly telling kids "you're okay!", "you're fine!" in moments when they clearly are not. They trip, or they bump their head, or they can't get their favourite toy and we have the audacity to tell them they're 'okay',  without giving it a second thought, just to improve the situation for ourselves. 

They clearly are not okay.

By doing so we are normalising not being okay. 

We might as well say, "it's okay that you're not okay".

Remember, children's emotions are as real as yours. You need to sometimes make an effort to step into their world and see things from their perspective. 

Just because they don't understand why you had to throw their drawings in the bin does not make their feelings about it any less real. 

If you can't help but laugh at something like that, you're staying in your grown up world, making the child think they're stupid, showcasing how unimaginative you are, and essentially, acting like a child who doesn't know better. 

Remember, creativity is a bit like a muscle. You may not be very good at it, but spare your moments, give it time and you will get better. And maybe in the process you might even feel a bit like Sherlock Holmes. 

Oh, you want to know what inspired me to write this? 

My child told me after school that kids in school didn't like her purple jacket. When I tried to talk about it (she's 4) she either deliberately or accidentally changed the subject and I couldn't get her to talk more about it. 

Now, I'm testing my deductive reasoning abilities and hopefully I will get to the bottom of this. It will probably cost me a jacket, whatever the case. But I want to understand why anyone would say anything mean about her jacket. 

And I've been wondering what else goes on in her day that I will never know. Perhaps when she is older she will fill me in because she will be able to explain better. 

A picture from our recent trip to Windsor Castle

Just a quick update (after 5+ years)!

I know I pretty much ghosted this blog but as a university era blog, I've been really conflicted about keeping this up as I am in an advanced stage of my professional life now.

So what's been up with me?

Well, I got into digital marketing right after university and I've been doing this for over 10 years now. I've worked in-house and on the agency side and have had several successes to be proud of.

My career journey has taken me from Singapore to Karachi, then Lahore and now I'm in my fifth year in the UK. I also got married and will soon my celebrating my 9th anniversary early in 2020.

These past few years in London have been mad. When I quit my fabulous job at a top IT consultancy in Lahore and moved to London, I almost started with nothing.

Homeless. Jobless.

And a baby on the way.

Yes, I had a baby on the way which is why I quit and joined my wife in London. It was a mad transition.

But I was extremely fortunate. Within a month we found ourselves a home (in Balham) and I got a job on the agency side in central London (near Victoria).

And then the baby arrived. What a permanent change to our lives!

Needless to say, with two working payments, no support structure like immediate family or friends nearby (who are baby-friendly) and no financial backing from parents, it's been a busy time.

My wife has since returned to training as an Accident and Emergency specialist in Medicine, and I have founded my own company called Locals Talk (I almost never find the time to update my company website), but we're doing well and growing month on month.

We also have an online clothes store for cute baby clothes with free delivery to Australia, UK, USA and Canada. I need to setup a Boxing Day sales campaign for it soon.

I've somehow managed to find a great work-life balance working only 3 days a week and making more than I did when I was working full-time at a company in central London that has now gone into liquidation. I'm not sure if I will pick up another job unless it allows me the kind of growth and flexibility I have become accustomed to.

This year, 2019, I've also managed to fit in a bit of travelling around Europe, which has been a dream for my wife and I. We first went to Venice in Italy and then Barcelona in Spain - the two most culturally-rich countries in Europe.

Hopefully I will keep this up in the following year that starts with a visit to the parents in January.

Now that you're all caught up, here's wishing you a lovely Christmas holiday and a Happy New Year!

I'm going to try and keep this blog running again with tids and bits.

Sponsored Stories No More!

I love the fact that new media such as Facebook is pushing profit-maximizing businesses to take a more creative and proactive approach towards engaging consumers on their channels. Many of us have been complaining about how Facebook has begun emulating popular culture as seen on TV - especially in terms of promoted content. The internet is a place for niches, so after this new update, we’re cheering.

Ever since the dot com era in the 1990s, brands have repeatedly misunderstood this new environment. Their focus on ROIs and other numbers always means that there is a sales message attached to every piece of content they put up. But consumers have never liked advertisements. They may respond to them because they keep them informed about new products, but they have always been an interruption. So advertisements managed to drive awareness and later, conversion. But in the digital space, consumers couldn't care less. Once someone hides a brand from their feed, the brand doesn't exist for them any more.

Subservient Chicken is eager to listen to the commands you type in. Oh, BK Tendercrisp!

Of course, there are some brands (as is always the case) that lead the way for others. One of my favorite digital activations is Subservient Chicken by Burger King. There are many others, but the point I wish to make here is that brands don't have the choice to treat digital like they do any other medium. Not anymore, at least. I laugh at the brands that ignore this advice. But only because I have been trying my level best to articulate this simple truth about digital – just to get them to do something amazing (only to hear how their PR department had a near heart attack at the suggestions). Some have been more receptive to these ‘crazy ideas’ though.

Public relations, although conceptually still applicable, has dissolved into HR and digital. PR is a dead hen that doesn't lay golden eggs any more. And most brands are having trouble making that jump from PR to digital. Especially since it is still a very experimental medium. 

The message from Facebook, in this light, is clear. Get creative or get lost.

There is still hope for brand managers though (yes, they can keep their jobs). They need to learn to deal with digital data themselves. They need to start relying on psychographics rather than demographics. They need to recruit creative people who understand digital and make them a part of their team. Sure, they have digital managers (usually just one for all the company brands), but every brand team needs to have at least 50% people who can lead digital using their creative abilities, while paying absolute attention to digital data such as ad analytics and performance metrics, themselves.

Crafting engaging stories doesn't come from the copywriter sitting in a corner at a digital agency full of geeks. It comes from the top, with the geeky copywriter sitting next to the brand manager. This is the only way brands can truly understand their audience and engage them in real time.

Until they learn to do that, they will keep hiring digital agencies as the middle men, missing out on the bigger picture, until other brands go ahead and incorporate digital into their everyday workflows.

Content marketing strategists must be really happy right now. I know I am.

Thanks, Facebook!

Johnny Rockets Fixes Its Typo

One of the major issues that digital agencies face today is the prehistoric concept of 'media buying' which is always done in 'bulk' to save costs. While that may be true for traditional media, new media really doesn't work that way.

Here in Pakistan, you will see that most brands tend to allocate their digital channels' management to one digital agency and media buying to another, which just doesn't make any sense. That's like going to get your car washed from one service station and windows wiped by another! It's preposterous! So here's one example to highlight the disconnect such an arrangement may cause:

Johnny Rockets' media spend has been massive, ever since their launch. They've gone above and below the line and they've also gone digital. Sources tell me that, like Mobilink, Unilever, Nestle, and so many others, Johnny Rockets also gave away its digital media buying to a company that was NOT managing its online properties (Facebook page, primarily). Here's the result:

"Let the good time rolls" - apparently Johnny Rockets is competing against Karachi Silverspoon 

After running these ads for more than month, I noticed yesterday that they've finally fixed this grave typo. It was probably not even that visible when it was advertised like this on the side, but they had the same typographical error on ALL their featured ads, and if I were the brand manager, eardrums would've ruptured.

This is but one example that shows how awful it is when the same people who are creating/curating content and managing your digital strategy are NOT managing your ads as well. This digital business is best managed by a singular team, and it is high time that brands started to understand this.

Much Needed Improvement from Facebook

For digital managers running campaigns on Facebook for a number of clients, between brand managers, VPs, account managers, digital strategists, copywriters and page managers, it had always been very difficult to monitor interaction with fans - we could never tell who had been posting on behalf of the brand!

Often, we'd pick on a comment with wrong grammar and the typical response from the page manager would be, "But that's probably the brand manager who posted this comment!" Needless to say, since we couldn't tell who posted that comment, everyone could go on pointing fingers at each other forever.

There was this one time a well-known glue brand's franchise owner insisted he be on the admin panel for their page, only to post some unrelated ad on the page every now and then regarding jobs for doctors in KSA, confusing every one of us at the digital agency.

It seems that Facebook has finally identified this problem and plans to fix it soon, as I just came across this notification on one of the pages:

A little tweak to save page managers countless headaches, yay!

Why I think Flappy Bird has done so well

Promoting an app, a service or any other content organically is tricky business. While paid campaigns tend to ensure reach and visibility, 'virality' comes from the users/consumers - they HAVE to genuinely like it for it to go viral.

For this reason it is always a good idea to work on your game dynamics - make it fun and addictive. Flappy Bird is doing well primarily because only ONE person worked on the game and put his heart into it. Now people can't help but return to the game over and over again, perhaps in an attempt to challenge themselves.

#FirstWorldProblems

The game has occupied the number 1 spot on both iOS and Android app stores the past week, even though it has been uploaded since May last year. It seems its following got that critical mass that pushed the game into viral mode.

Flappy Bird Rank History

The gameplay is extremely simple - simply tapping the screen makes the bird fly. Yes that's right, the birds are flying in a manner similar to Angry Birds, and if you take a look at the pipes in higher levels, you might experience stronger waves of nostalgia hitting you back from the good old days of Mario World.

I think the Flappy Bird is rather ugly, but yay pipes!

Dong Nguyen, the Vietnamese guy behind Flappy Bird has been pretty busy with people calling in for interviews and sundry. Given that he does incorporate some standard advertising in the app, I hope he is starting to make some cash. Maybe a next step after this initial success would be to add some in-app purchases to increase his earnings. That way he might have some extra dough to spend on advertisements to try to prolong the lifespan of his game's virality and become bigger.

But first, he must integrate Game Center into the app (he says it's coming soon in the next update) so that players can at least see where they stand. If the game continues to do well, there's room to add social media plugins as well, especially for Facebook, but the server costs can add up so he must be careful in making this consideration.

Flappy Bird is a great example of keeping it simple and focusing on user-interaction. #TeamDong now has the opportunity to incorporate some feedback and improve the game in terms of graphics and design as well. Just continue following your philosophy to keep it simple in terms of graphics as well to keep the size of the game low in your future updates.

I am rather proud of my high score. Post your screenshot if you beat mine!

My Relocations Through Spammy SMS Texts

Sometimes I think these spammy SMS texts allow me that chance to have a reality check. It has now been more than a year that I've moved out of Karachi but all the spammy texts I received in this period were mostly for services and products based in Karachi. More recently, however, it seems that the spam SMS operators have figured out that I am not in Lahore and the texts I receive now are more for products and services that are Lahore based.

I still remember when I arrived in Karachi from Singapore, like, 4 years ago and reactivated my Lahore number and started using it in Karachi. Back then, there were fewer spammy texts, but because of the number format, perhaps, they figured I was from Lahore and so most of them were for Lahore.

It's almost as if these spammers knew how long it would take for me to get adjusted to the new place I had relocated to, before making their adjustments.

So there you have it - my life relocations through the lens of spammy text messages on my phone. I probably couldn't have picked up a topic that was more odd.

I do wish there was a way to stop these texts though. I've ignored so many important texts from clients, bosses, family and friends because of them that it is ridiculous. Unfortunately, most of them are sent by the telcos themselves, perhaps because they view it as a lucrative marketing activity. But honestly, it really is just spam. Because when you enter my private space, you have violated my sovereignty - yeah, like a drone attack. 

Innocence of Muslims, indeed

I think it is ironic how the videomakers have experienced fame at the expense of Muslims’ innocence. The quality of their work is so bad that they would be chased out by rabid dogs if they ever stepped into Hollywood. But not now, I fear.

Now they’re famous – all because of sentimental, ignorant, emotional and passionate Muslims. If you are lost and still don’t know why I am ‘attacking Muslims’, please allow me to try to explain.

There are millions of websites on the Internet that generate content (videos, articles, photos, etc.) through users. With thousands of submissions each day, they usually push the most-liked or most-clicked content to their ‘front’ pages. This means that if you click on a YouTube video a lot, it will be pushed to the main landing page of their site, get noticed and get EVEN more clicks!

A ridiculous attempt at offending Muslims through the ‘movie’ called Innocence of Muslims would probably never have reached the viral potential it has now achieved if offended Muslims had not talked about it, written about it, or signed petition after petition asking for it to be removed. Silence is the best weapon here – the same way you ignore irritating beggars on Kalma Chowk.

Perhaps you and your friends were not stupid enough to search for the video(s) and view them, but the majority of Muslims give in to their curiosity, clicking-through to the video to see “what’s so offensive about it after all.” You might even have stopped watching it after the first minute or so but your ‘view’ has already been counted in the statistics and given the video an additional viral buzz.

I have received an overwhelming amount of invites through Facebook Causes and other badly designed Facebook applications asking me to sign a petition or support a cause by clicking through, but I refuse to comply – because I probably have 1000+ non-Muslim friends on my list, and I don’t want news of the video (or angry Muslims’ protesting violently) to be made known to them.

But my efforts are always in vain. Thousands of Muslims have already protested over the short film by burning tires, and damaging property – even killing a person who had nothing to do with the making of the film. I am worried that some Muslims will kill themselves when they realize they were responsible for the short film to have achieved headlines across the world.

I understand your intentions were genuine – you could do nothing else but raise your voice, but when you raise your voice, some of us get carried away by emotion and do some stupid things. In fact, when you ‘raise your voice’, you fuel the viral spread, and now, because you got upset and shared it with your friends, your friends are upset too, and their friends are probably also upset – and so on and so forth till such videos become #1 on the “most viewed’ lists.

I hope I have managed to make my point. Maybe next time, Muslims – upon seeing or hearing about something offensive to them – will quietly report it, not talk about it and try their level best not to make headlines. I sincerely think that is the best way to avoid such offensive content to be promoted by Muslims themselves.

Make Love Not War

Conversation between a friend and her bf...

Drone attack on the US - Senator Graham furious

Now that I have your attention, listen up America. Stop being such a schmuck. It is high time for you to come out in the open and admit that you failed in Iraq and you failed in Afghanistan. You are not the God of Thunder and Thunder does not get rid of terrorists.

Nowadays Obama sits in his Oval Office hogging up the red button that sends drone attacks to distant locations, after he gives in to the whims of his advisors and other know-it-all’s. We all know that a report suggesting a 10% chance of hitting the target could, in fact, succeed, while a 90% chance of hitting a target can sometimes be amiss. Yes, Thunder is a funny thing to play with.

What’s worse is that you don’t even inform the respective governments of planned air-strikes. In fact, you’re so messed up yourself that you end up killing your OWN civilians in Yemen!

See what a mess you made in Logar? I can almost picture it – the Afghan forces reached a house where a renowned terrorist was suspected to be – one soldier jolted the door handle in an attempt to yank it open – when all of a sudden they heard a BANG! Poof! 18 Afghan soldiers died without even the glory of a battle.

Hell, we don’t even know if the suspected target was hit or not. Some dork probably told Obama seconds after he hit the red button, “That was very good sir. I think we got him!”

Don’t get me wrong though – I really like Obama. I’m sure he straightened his tie and got up to make a speech about withdrawing troops from Afghanistan. Who needs people down there anyway when you can use Thunder, eh?

And while we’re on that, what’s the point of withdrawing troops so elegantly that it will take you two years? Maybe you should learn from the French. They lost four people yesterday and they’re already pulling out next month – smart pussies that they are (sorry, please excuse my French). 

Could it be that an American’s life is less valuable than that of a Frenchman? Nah, their government just cares more.

Now I’m not a military strategist or leader of the world’s (dying) superpower, but I know that chopping down these terrorist groups is like cutting off Hydra’s heads – when struck off, each one is replaced by two new ones. Already there is an increase in Al Qaeda operatives in Somalia, Yemen, Nigeria and Indonesia. Extremism is on the rise and you are doing nothing to calm it down – only making it angrier.

And making it worse for those of us snickering at Eric Cartmen’s follies while living in Muslim countries.

Side-note: Dow University of Health Sciences in Karachi is apparently one of the best medical schools in the country, my wife tells me (although hers is better, of course). They are beginning US Medical Licensing Examinations’ tuition courses soon as advertised in the paper today. What beats me is that you Americans throw drones down on us and we are so foolish that we let you take away our nation’s brains in return. And they work to improve your health?! Fuck this, we aren’t ‘a dysfunctional society’, we’re just plain retarded!

Gillani: So why don't they leave?

Free SMS to Pakistan from the Internet

Following up from my previous post about sending Free SMS to Pakistan from the Internet, today a colleague shared a link from propakistani.pk over email. Apparently, as long as you worship Lord Googleuddin, you can NOW send free SMS to Pakistan - but only to Mobilink customers.

SMS sent by Gmail users to Mobilink subscribers will be free of cost, but with limited daily credits. Gmail offers initial SMS credit for 50 SMSes, which decreases each time you send an SMS from the Gmail chat client. Every time you receive an SMS message in Chat (for example when a phone user replies to one of your messages) your credit increases by five, up to a maximum of 50.

Pssst, you can also send an SMS to your own phone, and then reply to that message multiple times to get 5 credits for each reply. This is legal, as you’re buying credits by paying your phone company - finally they're getting smarter - maybe they read my previous blog post.

As usual, Google has been smart about it - the way they've designed it gets rid of spammers, who will not have credits after sending the first 50 messages - and how many new Google accounts are they going to make, right?

Right.

But it sucks that other operators in Pakistan haven't picked this service up because, see, with Mobile Number Portability it is impossible to detect the mobile service provider your contact is using (just by looking at the number). So now it will be hit and trial for most of us if we use the free SMS service, and if we get a reply back - only THEN we will know our contact has a Mobilink number and that they received our message.

But hello! Taraqqi!

Overseas Pakistanis will be pleased.

Pakistan: No change without spare change

Pakistan: No change without spare change

As I landed in my home country somewhere around the end of 2009 after a few years, I had not realized that this was not the same Pakistan I had left only a few years ago.

Friends poked fun at me, and nowadays the ones who return after a similar gap share the same observations I had been making then - that Pakistan has changed, somewhat.

But it is very hard to determine what has changed. Allow me to share some random observations.

When I left Pakistan, female models' faces in billboards (in Lahore) had been melanined with paint by Jamiat walas. Rewinding a bit farther in the same era during Benazir Bhutto's stint at running the country, the South Asian fusion band Junoon got banned for 7 years for writing a song called Ehtesab which poked fun at corrupt politicians who shrugged off accountability (ehtesab).

By contrast, today I see way more female flesh in advertisements (warning: inner maulvi/aunty speaking!) and well, I'm sure everyone has seen Veena Malik's FHM photo online, even if the actual magazine cover had been sprawled over by black markers.

Owls: Wise in your language, but otherwise in ours.

You must've heard Shehzad Roy's new single - Apney Ulloo? I mean, wow. He goes through the ENTIRE history of Pakistan and charges Pakistan with worshipping the US (apney ulloo - goray goray!) throughout the song. And he is nowhere close to being banned - Salman Ahmed must feel awful for being muted when he tried to raise awareness on the same lines, having to resort to more subtle and subliminal techniques back then...

Things have certainly changed.

When I think Pakistani TV, my mind still thinks of PTV, STN, Geo and ARY. Back then, Musharraf was closing TV stations at will (after giving them the independence they still enjoy today) and things were, well, more conservative. There was no Mathira taking obnoxious calls, live on air, I tell you!

For one reason or another, but mostly because I'm a new media person who believes in freedom of choice, I have not watched television here in Pakistan. (I believe I am a smart human being who doesn't need TV programming to determine what I should watch; when to watch it.)

However, I have caught glimpses at work or at relatives' places and I was disturbed to see shows like Big Boss, though enthused to see shows like Hasb-e-haal that try to educate people, somewhat (minus that ever-present hyena in the show - no offence to her personally). But once I was at a florist's shop in DHA Karachi, and they couldn't stop laughing at this guy being beaten by a civilian woman, just to tell her later she was on candid camera! I mean, this is the kind of fart comedy culture that has stupefied the American population (among others) for years, and distracted talented people from pursuing content that supercharges intellect.

But yesterday I discovered that at least some things haven't changed in Pakistan all these years: the aunties. If you haven't seen this video already, I embed it here for it is a must watch:

Samaa TV's Subah Saweray Maya Kay Sath airs Mondays through Saturdays, 9 am to 11 am (repeats on Sundays at 10 am). My wife doesn't allow me to have any thoughts on this Gheirat Brigade by aunties because I tend to get sexist but here I quote Nimra, an environmentalist in Pakistan. She says:

Why arent these upper-class pseudo-liberal aunties (otherwise known as the real mullahs) going to the cafes in Zamzama to track down their daughters and thier friends? Why arent they going to five-star hotels where rich men bring thier mistresses? Apparently, dating, among other things is moral and liberal if you are rich but if you go to a park you are to be chased and humiliated? The greatest oppressor of women in Pakistan is other Pakistani women.

People ask me why I carry a copy of my Nikah-Nama (marriage certificate) in my wallet. With aunties like that chasing dating women (while wearing those shuttlecock burqas, I tell you!) and Police like this, I feel a lot safer with my Nikah-Nama in my pocket. But I have never had to take it out, so far.

When you come to Pakistan, you should know that self-righteousness knows no bounds here. We hide our inner hypocrisies well, and most of the time, our Inshallah's, Mashallah's, and Allahu's are cover-ups induced by our inner-but-overriding, holier-than-thou ego.

(Also we are {in} a hopeless state so it is more comforting for most of us to think there is an All-Seeing Superbeing out there - even if deep down inside we don't really think Anyone's watching us.)

Hoho.

Author's note: Samaa has already taken their video down. We found a replacement link, and will try to continually do so.

Re: Evolution is false…and the Sun goes round the Earth

Response to: http://goo.gl/LU5xO (blog post) via@jhaque_ (on Twitter)


"Evolution is a scam by evil scientists out to disprove Creation? Hardly. Its time to grow up and update our worldview."

Couldn't have responded better myself. If you believe, you can't question the existence of God and his disciples, but everything else, you can - only to understand more.

The classic example of the drowning man rescue where he sends the rescue team away because he believes God will save him. He still needs a 'means' to get through to you - be it DNA or "Allah" written in Arabic through trees. (Of course, he drowns!)

Ignorance should be prosecuted - just because faith is blind doesn't mean you become blind despite it's instructions. You need to see, hear, and try to understand even more, until you have conviction about every topic that interests you, even if the slightest bit.

Author's note: Slight edits made before republishing comment.

Everyday is Mother's Day

There's a reason why they call it 'mother tongue'. A mother is not just a person or just a relative. A mother is an institution, and for me, she is an inspiration. So here I'd like to share some random things that make my mother a superwoman...

• When her youngest daughter was born, the nurse congratulated me on becoming an uncle. I corrected her and she stared at me and my mother in disbelief. Sometimes, for fun, I call her 'Aapi' in public. ('Aapi' means older sister, and strangers buy it.)
• She has overcome divorce and moved forward by making vows for a second time. In a country like Pakistan, it takes tremendous energy, will and confidence to make such a move. 
• She has raised four children - all of them confident, with good self-esteem and good manners. Her children are models for others and people give examples of her upbringing in the family. Some can't even imagine raising their kids so well.
• She may have celebrated her golden jubilee, but she's not old. She's doing another postgraduate program, which she's juggling with a full-time job that requires her to travel frequently. 
• Her assignments require her to blog. She uses Facebook regularly but now she has entered the blogosphere as well!
• Did I mention my mother is gorgeous?! She is. 
• She has never ignored her parents or siblings. She always gives them love, as much as she can.
• She lost her sister who she loved like a daughter. Despite that, life goes on, and while that's sad, it's amazing that she has that drive energy to always move forward.

And this list could go on forever. I owe my mother everything, and I am reminded of that everyday. I don't need a commercial Mother's Day to remind me of these things. Everyday is Mother's Day for me. 

I love you Ma jee! 

Reviving a dead blog

It's been a while since I've written anything on my blog. It blows. Simple reason: need to update the template, remove the link to "Photobook", and also add/remove some social elements here. I'm working for a social media company now and it's high time I fix all this. I started with my twitter account @nubeals - unfollowed almost 500 people who weren't even active (and spoilt my numbers). Reviving this will take loads of time but for now, I have at least begun the process.

In due time I'll roll out a new template. Till then, well, hello dear blogosphere! :)

NUS still at #30 while NTU continues to fall

National University of Singapore retained it's position in the world rankings this time around - great news for the university and its students!

Harvard is #1 as usual, while my favourite, Princeton, is still at #8. Australian National University is at #17 now and even McGill is doing decently, at #18. Brown, an ivy league, is now below NUS (at #31)!

The major challenger of NUS in the university education market in Singapore, Nanyang Technological University has fallen further down to #73 - surely there must be something they're not doing right. But at the same time, they must be doing something right since they haven't had a significant drop in the past 4 years or so (it was at #61 in 2006). However, when top schools like Purdue are hovering at #87, Singapore universities should be content with what they got.

But what I learnt after making my previous post on university rankings is that they don't really represent all that a university has to offer. They focus a lot on research publications by the universities, which is why top schools continue to retain their top positions because of all the Nobel prizes they have accumulated in the past couple of centuries (I'm exaggerating!). And then of course, the results are naturally skewed towards US universities, no matter how hard they try to remove the bias.

Needless to say, I am glad my university has such achievements that I can boast about.

Crossed the Uncle Barrier

Had my first surprise birthday party last night. It was a mini one; simple yet elegant. And very surprising indeed. Coordinated by my oldest friend's younger sister, I'm glad about the people who did show up. They would pretty much make my close friends' list, with some major inclusions, of course.

I turned 26, which I think is the official age when a person can not be offended if called an uncle or an aunt. The first time I was called an uncle was when I was 12 (the person who called me 'uncle' was 17.) After 14 years of getting offended, I will now make a conscious effort on my part not to get offended if called an uncle. 'Nabeel Uncle'. Hah!

Slept very late, very little and then woke up early to only partially complete an assignment. Made it to the first class, then rushed back to change into formals. I just had to attend at least one of the P&G recruitment talks in NUS. It was quite useless though. All the information you need is on the website. After attending my second class in formals, I rushed back to PGP to change into my Squash gear, only to rush for a match I was sure to lose - and lost not as gracefully as I could have, I suppose. The IFG will soon be over for the FASS Squash team. Sad.

Now I shall shower to proceed with the business that is my birthday, and head down to commonwealth to distribute some flyers for the Pub Crawl I am helping organise. The party is exactly one week from now and I wait in earnest. Imagine! About 500 people, mostly comprising exchange students, from all the major universities of Singapore, wearing the same t-shirt, with funny things written on each one of them. As we head down from Boon Lay MRT to our final destination, the party will be lead to a new club opening.

So I am distributing flyers on my birthday. And then maybe I will hang out with the sister and the friends if they are present. There is nothing to be happy about though. I mean, it's my birthday, but so what. I turned 26. I have so much to do in my life and less time left now. What is there to celebrate or to be jeery about?

I removed my birthday from Facebook. I only wanted those people to wish me who really remembered (and naturally some who would notice other people's wishes on my wall to find out and wish too). Indeed, it has been a successful experiment. I got more personal and direct birthday wishes by sms or calls. Much better than 100 wall posts from people who just want me to reply back and create some action on their dull walls.

The real reason not to be happy, however, would be that my friend Rashmi passed away a few days ago. Despite all the nasty things in 2009, typhoid got to her, and the always-smiling, pleasant girl I shared so much (platonic) love with, passed away. All the YIP people found out last night, and teary calls were exchanged across continents (YIP = Youth Initiative for Peace). It sucks that such a beautiful person passed away. I hope that her sister and mother have the courage to deal with this, especially since they have already lost the male member of the family five years ago. I can not imagine their pain.

Here is an excerpt from one of the emails Rashmi sent to Pavi in recent times, followed by a testimonial that Rashmi wrote for me in 2003:

but this year is diff, its the phoenix's rise. crazy but feel like im entering womahood and its intoxicating. this past one month, ive seen things through such a different lens that i don't seem to know the person i was before that. phew. pretty good, huh.

ive been tingling with insights beyond my intellectually much scoffed at books. sensing my paths-to-be and sidestepping rocks. stories from a diff time are talking effortlessly to me people have been opening their innerworlds to me without our knowledge.

maybe im just living on a cloud, its easy being on this frozen island. or maybe this really is a new life unravelled. maybe its preparation for the next hundred years of sunrises and hearbreaks. or maybe it'll all be blown away in the wind at dawn tomorrow. now, i sound like im going to the battlefield,lol. but you must know i love you true. and don't care what you think or do, as long as you can see the ray of sunlight on my palm that i stole just for you.

in solidarity and other big words,

rushme

She had a full life, and I hope she is in a better place now, looking down at us, smiling as always. She will be missed.

Free SMS to Pakistan from the Internet

It has been MONTHS since I've been searching for a reliable way to send 'SMS messages' (Short Message Service) to Pakistan. On a side-note, I think "SMS Message" is a case of RAS Syndrome (or Redundant Acronym Syndrome Syndrome) - it's not perfectly clear if it is, though.

There was a time somewhere around 2007 when any Internet user could send Mobilink subscribers messages from the Mobilink website. Not any more. This was back when sms2pk.com also gained much popularity but the site doesn't function any more. Nothing works. And sending international SMS is expensive.

I don't understand why mobile service providers wouldn't want to provide such a service free of charge. Consider a typical scenario when an expatriate wants to SMS back home. I will either send less messages to save cost, or not send them at all. Usually it is so expensive that I might as well just call if I must communicate. Unless, of course, I find a way to send SMS from the Internet for free. Generally, the person I message will end up replying to my cell phone ($$$ for the mobile service provider) or replying to the online applet I used to SMS (again, $$$ for the mobile service provider). So I don't understand why mobile service providers in Pakistan do not offer this service ( especially when they are advanced enough to allow Facebook updates and what not just by sending a message to some number).

I tried searching blogs and Internet forums to find a service that at least talked about this service but the only useful thread I found had posts made in 2006 or 2007, and the others were also useless.

For Singapore, at least SingTel and Starhub allow Internet SMS. SingTel Internet SMS is a little troublesome, because you have to register with the site, but at least anyone can register - it is not limited to SingTel subscribers only. Starhub WebSMS is the absolute best! That is how simple and convenient it should be. And it is a great service to offer subscribers, isn't it? You're enabling communication and making a few extra bucks at the same time - what else does a mobile service provider do?

Currently, the WaridTel website PROBABLY offers such a feature, but only for its subscribers and to sign up, you must enter your Warid number. Isn't that just like chopping off your own feet? IF they offer this service for free, only limited to their subscribers, they're just losing out on the money they could make. Anyway, I am not even sure if that service works. I will have to ask a friend to let me use his number to register for an account (when you register, they send the activation code to the number by SMS).

I also registered for isms.pk which is in beta mode and promises to send free SMS to any number in Pakistan. They have yet to email me my password yet, and if the email never arrives, that means the site has failed already. I learned of this website from that expired thread I spoke of earlier.

From a political perspective, I'm guessing that such a service may not be possible any time soon thanks Mr 10%'s insecurity when he got the interior minister to ban ANY kind of jokes about him (or the government) - all SMS messages and email messages containing indecent, provocative and ill-motivated stories against the civilian leadership (primarily making fun of Zardari) are considered criminal offences, with 14 years in prison as the maximum sentence. Yeah, they're still calling it a democracy.
*chuckle*

I want to send free SMS to Pakistan!

(Note to mobile service providers: Paid is also fine as long as it's dirt-cheap - but then it mustn't have daily limits, heh. Mastercard/Visa payment please.)

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