Hit by Realizations

People don't 'get' me. As much as I explain myself every so often, I realize I am still considered to be a weird guy.

I realize I am not the type who would say, "Haha! I was right all along!" I would stay quiet and expect the other person would realize it without me having to make any fuss about it.

I laugh when I am embarrassed, disgraced, anxious, nervous, angry or anything. I realize my laughter is taken as 'mockery' in a lot of circumstances. I don't mock.

I realize I use sarcasm solely for my personal amusement. I hardly wish to communicate my sarcasm to other people. It's a joke within my head - followed by laughter within my head.

I realize I perform much better when I feel inadequate. Like, when I am late, I get that guilty feeling that pushes me to accomplish more.

I realize I don't like to react to things. I internalize it and try to be pragmatic when I get over it. On the outside I would joke about it.

I believe that idealism supersedes any other ism and I will always fight for it. But I realize that pragmatism is what enables you to move on in life and make progress.

I make excellent judgments. And I rationalize my judgments very well. But I realize I am often wrong.

I realize that I have so many friends that I am left with none at times. They all think I have other friends to count on.

If someone gets the credit for something I have done, I feel happy for them. I realize that makes me gullible so people take advantage of me.

I realize people only keep a tally of the things they do for me, not things I do for them. I wish I would keep a tally like that too but I don't or can't.

I toy with people's minds in attempts to open them up. I realize that expanding people's mindsets is much harder than it might appear to be; and the consequences can be drastic if done too fast.

I realize I have hundreds of dreams yet I follow not a single one of them truly.

The "F word"...

Quote from copyblogger:

Oh, those dreaded ‘F’ words. ‘Finish’, along with ‘focus’ and ‘follow through’ are words that make creative types cringe.

Focus? Why? Living in the land of possibility is so much fun! I have so many great ideas, it’s really impossible to focus on only one.

Follow through? Groan. It’s much easier to entertain new and energizing ideas! I can’t get organized enough to follow through on project ideas.

Finish? Death! If I finish something, then I have to face the reality of whether it’s any good or not – will anyone want my work?

My comment: Ditto.

Note: I haven't copied the entire post. Click here to see it on copyblogger.

Shh....!

Jobless as I am, I am making a list of various words I can think of that have the 'sh' sound. There are at least 11 different ways different alphabets make the 'sh' sound. Check them out:

'C' - social/Associate (soshul/assoshiate)
'Ch' - chalet (shallay)
'Psh' - pshaw (shaw)
'S' - surely/sure (shorely/shore)
'Sch' - schist (shist)
'Sc' - conscience (conshunss)
'Sh' - shabby (shabby)
'Se' - nauseous (noshus)
'Si' - tension (tenshun)
'Ssi' - mission (mishun)
'Ti' - dictation (dictashun)

This just goes on to prove that English is not a phonetic language at all. If you know the IPA (the crazy alphabets next to the words in dictionaries) you will know what I mean. Inglish iz a phunny languwage indeed.

Love-Hate - Arguments

It had endured many strong winds and drafts. The kind of weather it was used to, there was always one air current or another. At times - it got so used to the currents - it would not even realize it had been tolerating one.

There were many arguments. Mostly about support and about the leaves. The winds made the branch weak. Its connection to its home branch had been weakened by the excessive winds and it often supported itself with the help of nearby branches and the fencing.

One of the major arguments it often had was with the wind itself. The wind always had a response that made the branch feel worse about the accusation.

The branch would say to the tree, "Over the years, you have done nothing but wear me out. I find it hard to support myself, and I need your help. If you could, you could perhaps reduce the pressure on me so that I can just survive."

And the wind would respond, "You make it look like I'm the bad guy here. I have always brought about changes to your life. I take away the dry leaves that you are unable to support any more and you are able to grow fresh leaves in their place that give you the energy to go on.
"Where would you be without me? How can you always look at things your way and not mine? I travel miles to do you this favour and this is how you thank me? By questioning my motives?"

The branch would shudder and give away, gullible as always. It could never win the argument - in that instant at least. But when it would look back, it could always think of so many things it could have said to win the argument. Like, what it had done for the branch - without keeping count.

Who helped the wind slow down so that it could not become a tornado and be blamed for the lives of so many? The dry leaves it gave the wind allowed it to go and make some stranger's land fertile, rather than its own. And the branch lent the fragrance of its all but one flower to the wind so that it could charm its way everywhere it went.

Moreover, the wind had brought hails, snow and rain with it upon the branch. And it had not only taken away the dry leaves, but also carried away many fresh and healthy ones. And it never showed that it cared.

The wind and the branch never communicate efficiently enough to have a good relationship. They would always be partners at times, enemies at others.

You can't hate without loving, or love without hating.

My Summer Internship 2008

The company where I work for my internship is located at International Business Park. It's a much calmer place compared to my experience of working at Raffles Place, but there aren't many interns here. Sadly, that means having lunch by myself, or in the company of Gold 90.5 FM.

On my first day of work, the Managing Director for the Singapore office of my company joined me for lunch. I guess I didn't realize the kind of chit-chat I should have had with him at the time. I told him about how I was having trouble with getting on-campus accommodation and I laughed nervously when I told him how homeless I was - bunking-in at a different friend's place every night. I went on to explain to him how I was trying to appeal for accommodation and how simple it may be. He kept a listening ear and in the end of the discussion, he said in a stern voice, "Being homeless in Singapore is not funny".

I guess in the one week or so that I've been working here I have lost the impression I had made in my interview and now I am trying to work my ass off to prove myself.

The work they want me to do for them is boring at best, but I get to call all around the world in search of information. The work I want to do for them, and this they allow - even facilitate, is to write news stories for their publications.

My timings are 9:00 am to 5:30 and the lunch break is one hour, but they are very flexible. For instance, I'm not considered late as long as I arrive before 10:00 am. I can leave as early as 5:00 pm if I want, but that is not always possible if you haven't finished your work. As a new (and the only) intern, I don't have that much work, but it's building up gradually.

Compared to where I was working before - as a telemarketer at a call center selling loans and credit cards - the lunch break here is also flexible. You can take it any time you want - usually between 12:00 noon and 2:00 pm. (At my previous job, the lunch break was fixed from 1:00 pm to 2:00 and my boss would give me steam if I was even a minute late. My supervisor then went on to tell me that the break was in effect 50 minutes only.)

I can go out for a smoke whenever I want. I mean, I've never tried to abuse this because I value the luxury. For my call center job, there were two 15-minute breaks, which were awarded if you met your team goals. Often, there would be no break at all. In smokers' world, that was genocide.

Only yesterday I was going through a 4-hour AIESEC transition session (from the current to the new executive board - unfortunately I'm in both) and there was no break. I had dinner during the session and my nicotine level dropped rapidly. On top of it, I had coffee afterwards so I was dying for a cigarette. When the promised break was not 'awarded', I felt like killing someone. Let me tell you, this session was being held 7:00 pm to 11:00 pm, after a whole day of work (or in my case, a half-day of work that was followed by a rushed and hectic trip to the airport to drop my sister off as she left for Pakistan).

I hate it when non-smokers don't understand smokers. Or when they're not even half considerate. For us it's like denying a thirsty person water. Oh well. I won't bark.

I wrote this post in the time I saved in my lunch break today (it was raining and I had to run to the food court where I work). I've been carrying my umbrella everyday since my internship began. Today is the only time I wasn't carrying it and it's been raining all day. So typically unpredictable, this Singapore weather!